Goat wins Animal of the Year Award… again

by Allen James

Jury tampering is hardly a rare event in the modern world, but sometimes, it goes too far. Some of you may be aware that this year was, once again, declared the “year of the goat” by the eastern hemisphere, and honestly, I think they’ve taken it too far.

Does this look like the face of victory to you?

Let’s look at the data, shall we? For the past 2000 years, without fail, China and other eastern countries have agreed to hang this prestigious award on one species, every year. Somehow, the people just “happen” to vote for one of twelve animals. Now, we can hem and haw about whether that’s alright to begin with, but here’s where things get really suspicious.

They’re not even trying to hide it.

Every year, the winner can be predicted with 100% accuracy. Like clockwork, the same animal wins once every 12 years. It’s as if they’re on an oligarchical timeshare. We’re just supposed to accept that the people “chose” these winners? In my opinion, one of the animals must be at least a little better than the others, and after a good year, I can’t imagine why the people wouldn’t vote the incumbent back in for another. For such a powerful position, it seems like it would be important to hold on as long as possible.

Which means this is not collusion to share power, it’s a conspiracy by a puppet master to take all the power for himself, using the animals as figureheads. But who? Let’s ask ourselves: Which animal would be willing to excuse itself from the running in order to take on a greater, more secretive role? One without a TV-friendly face, but a survival instinct and brains that more than make up for it. That’s right – I’m talking about the naked mole-rat.

Behind those vestigial eyes lies a great evil.

That’s right. The naked mole-rat (heretofore shortened to NMR) is the perfect ring leader for this criminal order. Under the guise of contributing to “cancer research”, the NMR has tricked us into allowing its own kind to live cancer-free for millennia, while the rest of us suffer through the disease as a fact of life. NMR excavation sites are the cause of untold human deaths; but we’ll never get the statistics on that as long as their lobby keeps silencing researchers. And at this point, you may be asking yourself: “If the NMR controls the world, then why have I never seen one in a seat of power?” That’s because you aren’t looking at the big picture. The mole-rat is a manipulator, he does not seek direct power, but power over leaders. Some of the greatest evil “masterminds” of the 20th century were merely mouthpieces to their NMR overlords.

Do you remember Adolf Hitler’s incursion into Northern Africa? Guess what – it’s the ancestral home of the NMR, and that’s no coincidence. The NMR draws its power from an underground source buried beneath the grasslands of Africa, where it lives in hives overflowing with nudist brethren. Had the Nazi’s secret NMR leadership managed to retake this landmass, there’s no telling what evil they could have accomplished.

Ethiopia, Kenya, Somalia. Center of the African powerhouse.

Further, the NMR had a hand in the evolution of humans as a “client species”. To them, we are as disposable as caged rats. The ancient NMR carefully controlled early civilization, dictating the location and length of each great establishment until the leaders began asking questions. Then they would be snuffed out. The Mesopotamians, the Egyptians, the Greeks and onward; all crushed beneath the iron tooth of the NMR.

But do you know who has never suffered at the hands of the NMR? You might be surprised to find out – it’s the Swedish. While the rest of the world burned with the creature’s rage, Sweden has sat comfortably unharmed for centuries. Some might argue that this is a matter of proximity, but to that I would submit that the NMR’s domain encompasses all of Africa, Asia, and the Americas already. What makes this portion of Scandanavia special? I believe Sweden has an unholy truce with the NMR, a “deal with the devil”, if you will. Why else would the Krona be booming and the Swedish media suspiciously devoid of mole and/or rat imagery? It’s simple, really.

Long ago, the Swedish people signed a treaty with the NMR to cede the rest of the world to them. They sacrificed the freedom of an entire planet for their own selfish gains, and now they are the only ones with the freedom to stop it. Instead, what do they do? They produce mass media to blind the world to the truth. Minecraft, developed by Swedish propagandist Markus Persson, teaches children that it’s normal to spend nine-tenths of your day below ground in failing light, and if their friends do it too, it’s just “cool”.

On the other hand, secret freedom fighters have attempted to awaken the rest of the world, and amazingly, people are listening. Swedish producer AVICII’s “Wake Me Up”, a song about opening your eyes and seeing the NMR for what they really are, topped charts for months in 2014. Unfortunately, it is not enough. As most Swedes are in on the secret as well as the pact, they risk their lives as well as the lives of their families to bring us this message. Most of them prefer to remain in the dark, living their lives blissfully ignorant and feeding the sheeple comprising the rest of the world.

And maybe that’s why the goat won Animal of the Year. Not because it represents us, but because it is us. I can’t say for sure.

I’m not a hero. I’m just asking the difficult questions.