Ending The Conspiracy

by AllSeeingEye999

The statistics don’t lie. This blog is taking off like a rocket in the cold, dead vacuum of space, which is to say, the whole thing is being faked by the U.S. government.

Let’s look at the evidence. First, my view counts from the last 2 weeks:

Nothing out of the ordinary here.

And now, here are the corresponding “likes” on this blog:

Caught in the act.

Do you see it? Do you see this damning evidence? After a week of no views, four (4) people suddenly liked a post on my blog without visiting the blog. This is immensely concerning for my health and safety, because it proves incontrovertibly that my blog is under government surveillance. I haven’t figured out their angle yet, but I know that I must do everything in my power to keep them away. But how does a lone freedom fighter stand against the entire government? Guerrilla warfare, of course. Today, I am launching a campaign to get the fake government-funded viewers off my site.

At first, I thought I could scare them off by acting innocuous, but the likes and follows showed up at random, anyway. Then, I tried the opposite tactic – being expressly anti-government – but that attracted more viewers who I can only assume came from the NSA.

Prototype swastika penis spaceship. Censored to keep the spies off my trail.

Then, I considered making something so offensive that nobody would want to look at it. The best thing I could come up with was a penis-shaped spaceship with swastikas on it, driven by Ron Paul. I haven’t put that plan into action yet, but I’m worried it could get me placed on nazi- and/or penis-based watchlists. I swear, the CIA is lurking on every dark recess of the internet just waiting to catch me red-handed with some penis-nazi paraphernalia. They’re all in cahoots with the local police who keep pulling me over for bullshit like “no lights anywhere on the car” and then unconstitutionally searching my vehicle and arresting me for “bomb-making materials”. My uncle could have a heart attack at any minute if he doesn’t get his daily cup of nitroglycerin. This endless surveillance needs to stop. What I do on nazi and/or penis and/or spaceship related messageboards is none of the government’s business.

Projections for 5th quarter

After some deliberation, I realized that this method would only dig me deeper into the hole. I had to find a way around it, and the only way to do that would be to flood my readership with agents under my own control. Earlier today, I went to the Russian darknet using my tor client and ordered 50,000 followers from Lithuania. It should only be a matter of time before my $15,000 bitcoin payment is verified and the fans begin to arrive.

Until then, I’ll be keeping a watchful eye on the blog statistics. I know all you paid shills are reading my posts from behind a mirror and just waiting for the chance to get your crony friends to follow.

I haven’t lost an online battle with your brand of “popularity” yet, and I don’t plan on losing this one. Mark my words, NSA, CIA, FBI, USPIS and whoever else might be reading this. I will block you from my blog if I have to. I will have so many followers that you’ll just be lost in a crowd and I won’t feel lonely and sad when I kick you off.

Mark my words, shills. This is my blog and I make the rules.

GO AWAY STOP LIKEING MY POSTs

THIS IS PUNISHABLE AS A CRIME AS CYBERBULLING AND I WILL NOT ALLOW IT I WIL TAKE YOU TO COURT

I have this whol incidnet on record and i will be possting it to watch dog sittes and EVERYONE WILL SEEE THAT TYOU ARE TRyinG TO MAKE ME LOOK CRAXY

But I’m not crazy, and that’s really the point I’ve come here to make. Even with the CIA and FBI pounding at my door, I haven’t cracked. I made this post just to let everyone know how stable I am, because that’s the truth. It doesn’t matter if black-ops agents are breaking into my house to rub tiny holes in my pant legs or planting devices in my car to make that gas run out a little faster some days, I can take it. Everything is fine, and my articles will be back to normal as soon as I figure out this follower problem.